Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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