I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
