I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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