I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
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Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
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well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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