When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
