I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
