I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
