It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
did i walk over a car last night?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
