I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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