I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
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And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
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The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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