you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
