The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
