My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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