I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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