Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
