Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
