The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
