call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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