dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
