I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
