did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
