my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
