I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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