I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize