The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
