the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
