You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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