last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.