Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets