Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
