i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Someone shattered a urinal.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
