Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
