good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
They took my balls.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
