After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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