i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You need Xanax blowdarts
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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