No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
