I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
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