you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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