i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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