I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
