i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
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College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
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I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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