porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
