i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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