she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Randomize
