dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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