Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
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Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
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Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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