I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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