I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
