I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
