Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
