Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
