I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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