Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Terrible idea I love it
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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