Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
