My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
