My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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