haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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