life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
