Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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